Recently, I've become aware of yet another social divide that is gaining traction and becoming increasingly vitriolic and polarizing in American society.
TAKE THIS QUIZ TO SEE WHAT SIDE YOU'RE ON:
1. Do you use essential oils?
a) I use a lavender-infused sleep mask to help me sleep. (1 point)
b) I use citronella oil to repel mosquitoes. (2 points)
c) I use tea tree oil and eucalyptus to treat a compound fracture. (10 points)
d) I substituted jasmine oil infused tea for a liver replacement. (100 points)
e) I used the same combination of essential oils to cure head lice and brain cancer. (5,000 points)
f) I think essential oils are total bullshit. (-1 point)
Do you use herbal remedies?
a) I drink Sleepy Time tea to help me sleep. (1 point)
b) I drink Tension Tamer tea to soothe my nerves. (2 points)
c) I take St. John's Wort three times a day to ward off depression. (10 points)
d) If I don't take my echinacea every day, I'll immediately come down with a cold. (100 points)
e) I take Ginko Biloba to remember where I put my keys, milk thistle to support my liver, Turmeric as an anti-inflammatory, and ginseng for energy. (200 points)
f) There are no scientific studies that prove that herbal remedies have therapeutic effects. (0 points)
g) The capsules of so-called "supplements" are actually filled with the dust that someone literally swept off the floor. (-10 points)
Do you use vitamin supplements?
a) I take a daily multi-vitamin. (1 point)
b) I take a multi-vitamin and extra vitamin D to get through the winters in Wisconsin. (2 points)
c) I take a multi-vitamin, D, and extra C as an anti-oxidant. (10 points)
d) I take all of the above, plus vitamin B-12 complex, iron, and zinc. (15 points)
e) I contracted fatal lung disease from an obscure Pacific island, but cured myself by eating handfuls of Vitamin C twice an hour for five years. (5,000 points)
f) Vitamins are bullshit. (-1 point)
How do you feel about homeopathic remedies?
a) I don't know what those are. (0)
b) That's, like, an infinitesimally small amount of medicine in an otherwise inert solution, right? (1 point)
c) It's fine for Europeans. (10 points)
d) I tried it once for a toothache and broke out in a bleeding rash on my legs and feet. (5 points)
e) Absolute bullshit. (10 points)
How do you feel about Ayurvedic medicine?
a) What is that? (0)
b) I have no idea what that is. (0)
c) Absolute bullshit. (-1)
How would you describe the medical care you've received from your family doctor and specialists?
a) I trust them completely. They are infallible agents of God. (10 points)
b) Most of the time they are somewhat helpful. (15 points)
c) Occasionally they make mistakes that have cost me an arm and a leg--literally and figuratively.
d) I wish they took a more wholistic view of my healthcare. (25 points)
e) I wish they weren't so damn eager to prescribe medicine. I'm on all of these awful pills, each with its own litany of gruesome side effects. (50 points)
f) I had a medical device implanted in my body that later had to be surgically removed because it made me very sick. (5,000 points)
Fill in the blank: "If I could, I would ___ my medical health professional."
a) hug (1 point)
b) kiss (0 points)
c) sue (10 points)
d) smack down with my crutch (5,000 points)
Agree or disagree:
1) I am confident that my medical professional has only my best interest in mind when they prescribe medication. I'm sure there is no monetary incentive for them to prescribe medicine that I may not need.
2) If a woman has had as many children as she wants, there's no reason why she shouldn't go ahead and have a total hysterectomy.
3) I wish I'd had my knee or hip replaced sooner!
4) Everything worked out like they said it would. No surprises, no complaints!
5) This quiz is bullshit.
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